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Entertainment RSS FeedsDeath Race - Film Reviews: As hard as metal and just as dumb, Paul W.S. Anderson's "Death Race" couldn't be further from Roger Corman's goofy, bloody original "Death Race 2000." ...Feed Source: feeds.feedburner.com Miyazaki's 'Ponyo' earns 10 billion yen - Foreign B.O.: First Japanese film to do so since 'Moving Castle' -- Hayao Miyazaki's toon "Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea" has passed the symbolic Yen 10 billion mark ($93.2 million) at the Japanese B.O.-- the first local pic to pass this milestone in four years, after Miyazaki's 2004 "Howl's Moving Castle."
... India's Seventymm raises $12.5 mil - Film News: Capital to help expand rentals firm to 40 cities -- Indian video rentals firm Seventymm has raised $12.5 million from U.S. and other investors.
... Paris 36 (Faubourg 36) - Film Reviews: A bracingly old-fashioned, lushly visualized showbiz meller set against pre-World War II Gallic political unrest, "Paris 36" is a loving tip of the hat to studio-bound French pics of the period that's plenty entertaining on its own terms.
... Dot (Nokta) - Film Reviews: A high-concept experiment in style and structure melds surprisingly well with a gripping crime tale in "Dot," the fifth feature from Turkish auteur Dervis Zaim.
... Kisses - Film Reviews: Affecting film, featuring two flawlessly natural, non-professional leads, sustains its child's-eye point of view without strain, though even at 76 minutes inspiration starts to wear somewhat thin.
... L.A. Times tussle gets personal - Business News: Ex-staffer Martinez sues publicist Mullens -- Former Los Angeles Times editorial page editor Andres Martinez has filed a lawsuit against his former girlfriend, showbiz publicist Kelly Mullens, stemming from their involvement in a Los Angeles Times opinion section that was to be guest-edited by Imagine Entertainment chief Brian Grazer.
... IOC gives itself kudos for Beijing Games - Technology News: Viewership boosted by online platforms -- The Intl. Olympic Committee is poised to award itself a gold medal for coordinating record-breaking coverage of the Beijing Games -- set to be the most watched in the event's 112-year history.
... Gavin Purcell joins 'Jimmy Fallon' - TV News: G4 veteran named co-producer of 'Late Night' -- Upcoming NBC gabber "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" continues to fill out its production team, tapping Gavin Purcell to join the show.
... Mystery of the Wolf (Suden arvoitus) - Film Reviews: A troubled young girl shares a secret bond with wolves in the well-mounted family film "Mystery of the Wolf." Helmer Raimo O. Niemi's engaging pic molds sure-fire elements into an entertaining, cohesive whole.
... Yahoo brings musicians to the backlot - Technology News: Nissan Live Sets stoke fan flames, boost sales -- In less than two years, Yahoo Music has become a distinctive repository of exclusive concerts and a significant part of marketing plans for veteran acts with new albums. Nissan Live Sets, shot in HD on a soundstage on the Fox lot, has quickly become as important a concert series as exists, whether it be on the Web or on broadcast television.
... New opportunities for indie films - Weekly: Toronto hot tickets include 'Wrester,' 'Locker' -- Indie film?s easy-money era is over, but new opportunities are emerging. These days, any seller hoping to land a distribution deal at a fest or market like Toronto in September realizes that only a few lucky winners will land a seven-figure minimum guarantee from a studio specialty division.
... The First Breeze of Summer - Legit Reviews: Signature Theater Company kicks off its seasonlong tribute to the Negro Ensemble Company with a finely etched revival of Leslie Lee's ensemble drama "The First Breeze of Summer," a fitting representation of the NEC's historic role as a fertile creative hub for African-American writers and actors. As he showed two seasons back at the same venue with his staging of "Seven Guitars," actor-turned-director Ruben Santiago-Hudson is a skilled and sensitive guide of a large cast; his efforts help counter a certain long-windedness and locate the universal themes in this overstuffed but affecting play, about three generations of a black family in small-town Pennsylvania.
... Videogames attract top music talents - Music for Screens: Composers can drive action more than in films -- A few weeks ago, an album called "Video Games Live: Volume One" debuted at No. 10 on Billboard's Classical Crossover Chart. Within a week, it had muscled out John Williams' latest "Indiana Jones" opus. For Tommy Tallarico, who has spent the last 20 years writing game music (including "Advent Rising") and who produced this collection, it felt like vindication.
... FX marketing promotes Sally Daws - Business News: Network exec named senior VP -- Sally Daws has been promoted to senior VP of marketing for FX Networks.
... Director-composer teams think synch - Music for Screens: Film tandems find harmony in creative tension -- One of the key dynamics in the collaborative art of filmmaking arises from ongoing relationships between like-minded artists. Think of directors and their favorite cinematographers, screenwriters or set designers. The same holds true of helmers and composers.
... 'Hamlet 2's' tunes make pic palatable - Music for Screens: Music acts as shock absorber for off-color humor -- The creative team behind Focus Features' upcoming "Hamlet 2" didn't set out to make a musical. But according to writer-director-exec producer Andrew Fleming, it's the music that makes the film's oft-offensive humor palatable.
... Fincher, Desplat are 'Curious' bedfellows - Music for Screens: Director explains why he hired French composer -- "Could the vibes and orchestra bells play softer, please, at bar 48? Then at 52, we come back to our previous dynamic, OK?"
Composer Alexandre Desplat is in the middle of his fourth day on the Sony scoring stage, conducting a 75-piece orchestra to perform his delicate, charming music for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Paramount's long-awaited adaptation of an obscure F. Scott Fitzgerald story about a man who ages in reverse and the complications that result when he falls in love with a 30-year-old woman.
... Film composers flock to concert halls - Music for Screens: Movie mavens lured by classical commissions -- Earlier this month, Danny Elfman's ballet "Rabbit and Rogue" was performed by the American Ballet Theater. Next month, Howard Shore's opera "The Fly" will make its U.S. debut at the Los Angeles Opera, and in February, James Newton Howard will bow an original work for the Pacific Symphony.
... Famed scion preserves film scores - Music for Screens: Newman passionate about musical heritage -- If film music has a royal family, it's the Newmans. So who better than composer David Newman ("The Spirit"), one of its princes, to lead its preservation charge?
... One-hit wonders reborn on TV, film - Music for Screens: Music supervisors rely heavily on period pieces -- A one-hit wonder can take many forms. There is the novelty song ("Kung Fu Fighting," "I'm Too Sexy") that annoys as much as it entertains; or the epic torch ballad ("You Light Up My Life," "I'll Be") replete with sappy choruses and woefully earnest lyrics.
... TV shows use songs to tell stories - Music for Screens: 'True Blood,' 'Life' add music to advance plots -- Two music-driven television shows -- one new, one returning -- demonstrate how placements can play a pivotal role, either by drenching scenes in song or by very carefully placing just a song or two for lengthy stretches.
... B.O. looks to equal record - Front Page: 'Death Race,' 'Rocker' opening wide -- With just two weekends left to go, the summer 2008 domestic box office is all but assured of finishing on par with last year?s record-breaking take of $4.16 billion -- an unexpected victory for Hollywood and theater owners.
... Emmy music contenders - Award Central: The tune talent behind the nominated shows -- Emmy music contenders
... Ghent pays musical tribute to Minghella - Music for Screens: Composer Gabriel Yared will honor late director -- Save for those immersed in the field, not many people would connect the Belgian city of Ghent with film music. But in fact, this picturesque medieval burg has a long association with movie scores thanks to the Ghent Film Festival (previously known as the Flanders Intl. Film Fest), which this year celebrates its 35th anni, Oct. 7-18.
... Composers Lab celebrates 10th year - Music for Screens: Risk is part of curriculum at Sundance program -- At the Sundance Film Institute Composers Lab, risk-taking -- even without a safety net -- is encouraged. The program, celebrating its 10th year, exists as a haven for novice composers to experiment and cultivate their own styles without concern for commercial or critical success.
... Dear Prudence - TV Reviews: "Dear Prudence," the latest in a line from the Hallmark Channel Mystery Movie franchise, is more innocuous than mysterious, sort of like a baby boomer version of "Murder, She Wrote" or "Diagnosis Murder."
... Discovery Project Earth - TV Reviews: Good intentions don't necessarily make for satisfying television, and such is the case with "Project Earth," a Discovery Channel series that promises to "put the most ambitious geo-engineering ideas to the test" in addressing the threat of global warming.
... Jamie Cullum With Count Basie Orchestra; A Christian McBride Situation - Music Reviews: For the second year in a row at the Hollywood Bowl, contempo Brit jazz hipster Jamie Cullum has been placed in a context in which he is not normally heard.
... Victory at the Dirt Palace - Legit Reviews: With a win like this one, who needs defeat? The Riot Group's "Victory at the Dirt Palace" takes a couple of choice whacks at the war of attrition between competing newscasters, using the NBC/ABC rivalry as a template right down to the dueling John Williams/Robert Israel theme songs.
... Z Rock - TV Reviews: Think of "Z Rock" as another "Curb Your Enthusiasm" knockoff, while adding a "This Is Spinal Tap" riff to the medley. Built around a New York band that rocks by night and performs at children's parties by day -- hence the theme song's line, "To pay the rent, we gotta play for kids" -- it's a raunchy, fitfully amusing half-hour.
... Project Runway: Season 5 - Episode 4 (Going for the gold. Kind of. ) - TV Reviews: Apparently, many designers have no idea what the term "sportswear" means. The folks on this season believe that athletes would wear purple cocktail attire and that patriotic means gold and white stripped girlie wear.
... Paula's Secret (Paulas geheimnis) - Film Reviews: Nifty kidpic "Paula's Secret" handles strong stuff within a clever, frequently humorous tale.
... Job in Microsoft - A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. 'You are employed' he said.... The Witching Hour - The old white plastic AM clock radio flipped to 11:07 pm. Huddled under the covers in the corner of my darkened childhood bedroom, I braced myself for the sounds of evil. The creaking door, that harbinger of impending doom, was reinforced with bass, oboe, and muted high-pitched trumpet, shrill as a woman's shriek. It was time for E.G. Marshall and the CBS Mystery Theater. It was time to be frightened, maybe even scared, and there wasn't an adult on Earth who could save you from it.... A Day Dreamer's Day - Nights are hopeless and Days are full of hopes. That's what practically is for me. Not, because of the Literary thoughts which define days that are good & bright and nights that are bad & dark. I dream at Day because I love to sleep peacefully at night. I dream about my Games, I dream about my earnings, and about everything that I get around me at that very moment.... Thanks to All My Friends - Do you get emails from friends and spammers alike? I get more than I can read. Here is a universal thank you letter for their concern.... Are You A "Real" Fireman? - A number of years ago in Harford County, Maryland, I had the occasion to defend a client accused of a double manslaughter resulting from a drunk driving accident. In preparing for the trial I learned that there is no paid fire department in Harford County. Preparing to interview the fire and medical personnel that treated the victims and my client, I had the image of a Keystone Cops atmosphere.... What Women Want - Hugs - Two guys come up with a very unique way to impact the world in a sort of pay it forward emotional way. They hug with a sign. Women are now doing this service of giving out free hugs with a sign. But what is the universal sign for a hug? This article will attempt to explore the murky mystery of the impact of hugs.... What Women Want - Hugs - Two guys come up with a very unique way to impact the world in a sort of pay it forward emotional way. They hug with a sign. Women are now doing this service of giving out free hugs with a sign. But what is the universal sign for a hug? This article will attempt to explore the murky mystery of the impact of hugs.... Excuses For When Your Business Card Holder Turns Up in the Most Unlikely Places - This society's penchant for personal branding and individuality has lead to complications. When you do not want to be identified, you will be and when you desire anonymity, you will gain notoriety.... You Know You Are Truly Retired When the Only Thing on Your to Do List Is - Hang Up the Bird Feeder - Okay so I am retired and still I keep a things to do list up to remind me of pressing matters that I must tend too. But the other day, I had only one item on my; To Do List! Hang up the new bird feeder. Thus, the humorous title.... The Laughter Factor - A Message From the Street - What can a homeless man teach us about mental health? A quick lesson in laughter from the street changed my day and my life.... Things You Need to Be a Celebrity! - Celebrities are a dime a dozen these days, but the fact remains: They are celebrated! And why is this so! How to fastrack Your way to Hollywood style fame; this article reveals the secrets to lasting fame; follow the tips and You Will be gossiped about darlings!... The Short 'n' Sweet Tale of Caricatures - The inception of caricature drawing as an art took place long back in history. Surviving the trysts of time, this art has captured the attention of millions. In fact, one can trace the origin of this art in the some of the paintings of Leonardo da Vinci-the genius who loved portraying people with deformities.... A Guide to Brushing Funny Strokes on Canvas - Read some useful tips on how to draw a caricature. Though simple to many, caricature drawing invites keen observatory powers as well as inborn talent to come up with truly appealing examples.... What Makes People Laugh - Why do humans laugh? We are the only specie on planet earth that laughs. None knows why we laugh but we are doing it, see what makes us laugh and just laugh.... The Existence of Political Humor As a Tool For Conspiracy Theory - People must be keen observers with the politicians who might take advantage of the crises we are experiencing now. We will be watchful and active in giving awareness to other people who might become victims of conspiracy theory using political humor as a tool.... Redneck Humor - Good, Clean, Down Home Fun - Jeff Foxworthy, of You Might Be A Redneck fame, tells an interesting story about redneck humor. When he first went to New York City to make his career, they thought he was funny - but he was repeatedly advised to drop the accent. The big audiences, they told him, wouldn't like him with an accent.... Funny Videos - Your Daily Dose of Humor - If you have a funny bone, and appreciate good humor, then funny videos are likely to be your cup of tea. The internet abound with many genres of funny videos. The best part is that these sites are updated daily and tend to showcase never-before-seen varieties every day.... No More Prostate Exams If You Are Over 75 - I have several things to look forward to as I undergo the natural aging process. At 55 I will start receiving discounts on my coffee at McDonalds. At 67 I MAY be able to start receiving my full amount of Social Security. And now at 75 I will not have to worry about another doctor delving into, how shall I say it, my darker regions.... Funny, Rude, Free - Ecards As Greetings - If you are one those pranks or humorous guys looking for a funny rude free ecard, then it is not that difficult to find one. With the high speed of internet advancement, an online social utility site may have one of these things you are looking for.... My Best Friend - Turn the Other Cheek - I've been told traumatic events can effect one's physical body. I can't smell. Unless a herd of skunks has taken up residence on my feet with their southern extremities aimed at my useless nostrils, I might get a waft of something.... The Six Million Dollar Man is Selling Hearing Aids - In 1974 I was five years old and there were only a handful of men that I looked up to. A handful of men that I wanted to emulate and be like. They included my father, Evel Knievel, Arthur Fonzarelli, and Colonel Steve Austin.... What Could You Do With a Taser Gun? - The taser gun. With one squeeze of a trigger, you can zap anyone or anything and cause possible permanent damage. How awesome would that be? This is a list of the things you would do if you had a taser gun.... Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland? - With so many conflicting views surrounding the legalities of prank calls, it's sometimes hard to decide what the facts are. Read this article to find out all about the legalities of making prank calls.... How to Call Out of Work Sick - Actually, this article should be called "How To Call Out Of Work Sick and Not Get Caught." There's a real art to taking a "Mental Health Day." Follow these tips for a day off without guilt.... Are You Serious? - Desperate to not think, not write and not hear about the Presidential Race I scoured the news for stories that would amuse, or force me to shake my head in wonder instead of disgust. I found three such gems. A car thief in Salinas California was recently bested by yet another criminal.... Moving Mother Nightmares - Moving can be hectic at the best of times. But, you haven't met my mother.... My Dream of Becoming a Traveling Salesman - It was my childhood dream to live in motels and eat my three squares and Denny's. A child of the 1970's, I thought I could have it all by becoming a traveling salesman.... Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland? - With so many conflicting views surrounding the legalities of prank calls, it's sometimes hard to decide what the facts are. Read this article to find out all about the legalities of making prank calls.... Reincarnation - People Are Animals, Too - If you have your doubts about reincarnation, then read on. This article may blow the lid off the connection between reincarnation and our little furry and feathered friends.... Funny Stock Symbols - Good For a Lil' Laugh - I searched deep through the 'investment closet' for the most unusual stock symbols. Finding some really hilarious ones, I decided to share them with you hopefully igniting some giggles along the way!... Grievances Against the Time Known As "6 AM" - This is my formal application to have the time known as "6 am" terminated from my day and possibly from the world. The following is a list of grievances and arguments as to why I have come to this decision and intend to follow through with it. As you can tell the arguments are many and easily out weigh any possible positive reasons for the times existence (most involving the fact that it's impossible for it not to exist).... It's Tough Being an Active Hero - On my back passenger window I have a sticker from the FOP, Fraternal Order of Police, indicating that I am an active supporter -- or, at least I was in 2004. This basically means that someone from the FOP called me while I was watching TV one day and I pledged to donate five dollars in order to get the person off of the phone. If that is not support, I am not sure what is. So, after making my promise, I received a bill in the mail along with the sticker that I was supposed to put on my car so that people who walk by it know that I am a sucker, I mean, supporter. Over the years I have felt a special connection to other cars with FOP stickers, especially stickers from 2004.... Kids in America (In Libraries) - There are a lot of places that are not suitable for kids: torture chambers, bottomless pits, McDonald's, etc. I would like to add one more to this list -- the library. Now, I can already anticipate the reaction to this: "But how can you ban kids from the library? That's not fair. I am going to murder you with a knife." And I understand that reaction, but I am not stating that I want to ban kids from libraries; more so, I don't want to see them in libraries.... Comic Relief Compliments of the U.S. Government and Attorney General John Ashcroft - Comic relief compliments of the U.S. government and former attorney general John Ashcroft during the senate congressional hearings and inquisition of corruption throughout the Bush administration.... Skyler Stone in the House - He came from a small Michigan town and turned Hollywood upside down. From the moment actor/comedian Skyler Stone arrived in Los Angeles, people stopped and took notice. Never one to fit in with the crowd, being an outcast has become Stone's greatest asset.... Dave Attell Tickets - Looking to Laugh? - Are you ready to laugh out loud? Do you need a break from the hectic daily work life? If so, you will want to get your hands on a pair of Dave Attell tickets so that you can be sure to make an appearance at one of his next shows.... Rockets and Barbecues, What Do They Have in Common? - Physics really should be taught in grade school. If it were, this disaster might have been averted.... Mosquito Toast - My severely beset upon (after all, he married me) and long suffering husband, Bernd, is allergic to mosquitoes. So am I, but not to the extent that he is. Luckily for him, and not so luckily for me, they seem to like me better.... Prank Call Ideas - 5 Step Formula to Create Hilarious Pranks Calls! - Prank Calls can be a lot of fun, but not when you're sitting there waiting for a decent idea to spring up. It can get very boring.... A Little Comedy Surrounding Autographed Books - I recently ran across a contest where ZUG readers where challenged to place fancy stickers that said, "Signed By Author," on copies of Prank The Monkey. The contest had over two hundred people who actually signed up for these strange and unusual contest, which was designed by John Hargrave, but it intrigued me so that I had to discover the results and share them with everyone.... How Hot Is It? - 10 Funny Ways to Tell How Hot it Really Is - The heat is on, as we enter the dog days of summer. This brings to mind a classic comedy bit that former Tonight Show host, Johnny Carson would use in his opening monologue. Here is how he might answer the leading question, "How hot is it?"... Two Ways to "Fix" Things - One summer day, my father decided it was time to take a look at some projects around the house that he had been putting off for a long while. That was his first mistake.... The Comedy Boom of the 80's and 90's - What a Creative Time - The 80's and 90's were known as the comedy boom and produced today's top comedy stars. What happened to the great acts that did not become super stars? Many of them have continued to hone their skills and polish there acts.... No Coffee? - Every second that I go without coffee I slowly stop breathing. My life comes to a complete standstill. People move all around me as I continue to glance at my hand, it cupped around empty air in the shape of a coffee mug. Anyone who has gone without a loved one: a favorite pet, a parent or a sister knows this feeling that is beginning to creep into my backbone. I am contemplating so many horrible things that I could do to get coffee. Most beyond what the average person believes to be the line.... This is Not an Essay! - This essay by its very nature couldn't possibly be an essay. I've studied this, researched it to the wee hours of the morning and my conclusion is always the same. It just doesn't work. An essay must tell the truth, it simply must be honest and show both sides of whatever it happens to be arguing. The problem here is that there is only one side on this argument. So by saying that this isn't an essay it would have to be lying for it to be one, therefore it is not one. Though if it is not one then it can lie and say that it isn't one, which makes it one.... How to Clean Your Garage and Live to Tell About It - The crowds gather in abundant numbers and gaze in awe as it is time, once again, for the Semiannual Invitational and Garage Cleaning Ceremony. I don't know how it happens. Twice a year, usually the first nice weekend in the Spring and the last nice weekend in the fall, I subject myself to the tedious task of making array out of the disarray that has developed in my garage over the past six months.... More Reasons Why David Letterman Wears White Socks - Some time back I wrote and article on this subject. However, Letterman says his socks are not white. Well, they look white on my television set. They must look white to others too or why would he make the comment. I guess they are gray or light blue or such. Who cares? Don't they look silly on a man in a dark Brooks Brothers suit?... Moving Mother Nightmares - Moving can be hectic at the best of times. But, you haven't met my mother.... How Twitter is Destroying Your Mind - Twitter is showing us a very important and revealing aspect of our humanity: a mind is not necessary for self expression. Or, as we say out here in California, "No es necessario!"... Finding Humour and Laughter in Everyday Places - Work, Transport, Home - You can find humour and laughter in just about any situation in life. On your way to work, at work, in the home or even just walking down the street - humour is everywhere. You just have to look to find it.... Joke Writing - Anyone Can Write a Joke - Want to be a successful joke writer? Keep a pen handy and write it down.... Joke Writing - Where Can I Learn to Write Jokes? - The best jokes are the ones you write yourself. Here is a good way to learn.... Joke Writing - How Can I Learn to Write Jokes? - It started very simply for one well-known comedian. He was out with nothing to do one day and decided to buy a book. The subject of the book was how to write books, and the result changed his life.... The Laughter Factor - A Message From the Street - What can a homeless man teach us about mental health? A quick lesson in laughter from the street changed my day and my life.... How Hot is it? - 10 Funny Ways to Tell How Hot it Really Is - The heat is on, as we enter the dog days of summer. This brings to mind a classic comedy bit that former Tonight Show host, Johnny Carson would use in his opening monologue. Here is how he might answer the leading question, "How hot is it?"... The Big Mac Aggressive Growth Fund - Have we been trained too hard to save for a rainy day. Do skinny people have it all wrong? Is a Big Mac Eaten a Big Earned?... You Won't Find Sesame Street on MapQuest - Sesame Street must exist in an alternate universe. I recently asked a fellow, "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, where the air is sweet?" He gazed at me rather curiously and quickly walked away. I searched today, but couldn't find Sesame Street on Google Earth or MapQuest. I would like to find this wondrous street, and perhaps live there even as a homeless man.... Steamy Wisdom Served with a Side of Salt - Not a day goes by when I don't think a thought. I have something on my mind -- I think it's mold. I promise to avoid any rough cleaning agents, but I hope my thoughts are sufficiently abrasive to scrape it away. Speaking of mold, it's green I'm told, as green as the grass on my front lawn. It's a pretty lawn, but in need of rain, to wash away the stain. The sunlight shines beautifully upon the grass, as it desperately prays for the caress of an early morning dew ... Problematic 6000 - The Problematic 6000 is especially designed with innovation in mind. This device was created to help a person create problems, rather than solve them. Is there someone in your life who has betrayed you, or wronged you in any way imaginable?... President Bush Outraged at E. Coli: Promises Revenge - President Bush has a new target, in an old war. Today at a press conference, Bush vowed to capture or kill E. Coli, and all of his terrorist allies. The transcript is as follows: George Bush: "My fellow Americans, yesterday the world has changed again, and we must again change our thinking."... On Switch, Off Switch - I don't like being mentally ill because it means that sometimes my mind can't understand things as well as healthy minds. I know that I am inferior to the big Incorporated Corporated Conglomerated Companies who are successful and whose minds are not ill. Personally, I don't think of myself as being mentally ill, but rather I have a brain that has a mild cold or is allergic to normalcy.... NSA May be Wagging the Dog with New Spying Policies - White House spokesman Tony Snow has announced three new policy changes which will be enacted by the National Security Agency. His announcement, however, is not causing much concern about invasion of privacy. The NSA will start monitoring all messages contained within fortune cookies.... My Personal Voyage of Discovery - On a recent voyage via auto vehicle, several discoveries were made. Passing gas when trapped inside a car doesn't mean you give gas to someone in need of roadside assistance. If there happens to be four people in a very small car, only a DNA analysis can confirm the culprit of the new gaseous cloud looming overhead. The cloud may potentially be seen if it's dark outside, and the dome light is turned on ... Mark Foley's Treatment Stirs Debate in Congress, Logic Optional - Initiating an emergency protocol today, the House of Representatives enacted a policy whereby all suspected pedophiles in Congress will enter themselves into rehab for alcoholism. House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi commented, "Mark Foley has set a good example to all pedophiles today when he essentially admitted he had an alcohol problem. We hope that with some follow-up Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Representative Foley won't want to have sex with boys anymore."... Line of Air-Related Products - For a limited time only, you may read this ad. This ad is guaranteed to contain everything you ever wanted in an ad; it comes complete with vowels, consonants, and punctuation. If you're not completely satisfied reading this ad, return your eyes for a full refund - or if you prefer, send us the routing and account number of your grandmother's checking account.... Lemons are Sour, Relief is Sweet - One annoyance I suffer is from people with the same disorders as myself. Sleeping hard the other night at two in the morning, I was awakened by my accursed telephone. It was my best friend, John Smith. He was crying and told me that he couldn't sleep. I angrily replied, "Well I can!" and hung up ... Irish Chemist Creates Four Leaf Clover-Marijuana Hybrid - A scientific breakthrough just in time for Saint Patrick's Day, the world's first Four Leaf Clover-Marijuana hybrid has been approved for private consumption. The only condition is that a wet towel be placed under the door prior to its use. The creation of this marvelous plant is sure to spark attention across the globe, and ensure that Ireland will be a famous country once again.... How to Properly Deactivate a Bomb - Movies have been made for decades -- many of them involve a bomb being deactivated. When I see a scene in which a bomb is deactivated 1-3 seconds before it's about to explode, I'm not impressed by the script writing. If I ever write a screenplay that includes a scene in which a bomb has to be deactivated, creativity will be my primary objective. In my story, the bomb will have one wire. That wire will be cut and the timer will stop. The timer's digital display will read no less than sixteen hundred seconds remaining.... Financial Wizardry at Work: Frozen Money Technology - Thanks to the ingenuity of Louisiana Democrat William Jefferson, several innovations have been introduced to keep your money safe. Jefferson expanded the idea of cold, hard cash, and took it one step further by freezing it, thereby causing his own cash to become even colder and harder.... Destruction of Urinal Cakes on the Rise - It is the solemn duty of this news commentator to not only report, but comment on current events. As a highly-respected journalist, I feel morally compelled to comment on the needless vandalism of urinal cakes across the nation. While true they are referred to as cakes, and true that homeless people are hungry, I don't believe that homeless people should have to be so hungry as to eat just any thing that resembles - or is named - cake.... Being Right or Being President isn't a Popularity Contest - Having a President who prefers fascism might seem like a fun time, especially if you're working for him, or in the oil business, but sometimes Democracy can suffer. For instance, Mr. Bush doesn't care about poll numbers. "Bein' President isn't about bein' popular. There were two popularity contests, and I wun both of 'em. It dudn't even matter if I wun 'em by cheatin', they're over now, and I'm in charge."... Advertising Ingenuity - An observation I've had recently is about the commercialization of everything. There are advertisements for curing depression/anxiety, and advertisements for learning to speak and write better; or as I like to say, "write more weller better good."... Advancing Technology Through Mice - It's become very clear that when technology advances, so do mouse buttons. For instance, a long time ago there were mice with only one button. A second button scurried after the first; our lives became easier with the ability to right click. A short time later, a third button was found to be necessary. After a while, the wheel was invented.... Appearing Naked in Other People's Dreams - Appearing naked in other people's dreams is a concept which occurred to me as I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was naked. It's about time someone added this important idea to our literary and cultural heritage. Advantages to appearing naked in other people's dreams seem infinitely numerous, but I'll limit the possibilities. When appearing naked in other people's dreams, it's preferable to use one's "power" for good and not evil.... To Save the World, Bugs Bunny Must Rule It - The World needs a change of leadership, and I believe that Bugs Bunny is just the person for the job. I realize we already have a gang of crazy animals watching over us and ready to pounce: politicians, corporate executives, corporate-owned media and greeting card companies. Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, is a domesticated and tame animal. His agenda would include tranquilizing this organized animal syndicate in order to prevent them from stampeding over the people whom they refer to as ordinary and average.... Men Versus Women - Holy Cow Are We Different - Why in the heck are you singing Christmas carols, having Tupperware parties, baby showers. Guys would never do that. Boy are we different.... Night at the Beach - I was sitting on the beach and happened to notice the sun. It was setting, and it was both colorful and awe-inspiring. I decided to walk toward the sun to touch it; I stopped short, however, struck by a sudden temporary bout of logic and blindness in both eyes ... Dirty Harry Potter - What if you took two of cinemas classic characters and combined them into one action hero? The results would be Dirty Harry Potter. Here's the script for the trailer (coming attractions) of "Dirty Harry Potter and the Lounge Lizards." Note to producers: Let me know when you want to get to work on this potential blockbuster.... The Brilliant Rejection Dating Maneuver - Men it's all about managing rejection -- cold, heart-piercing rejection. If you have had your fill of it or if you have a teenage son about to dive into the seamy underbelly of the chase, here is a sure fire dating maneuver guaranteed to overcome rejection by embracing rejection. It is simply called, "The Rejection Dating Maneuver".... Bet These Stories Are True - Betting is a great form of entertainment and its popularity has spiralled since its birth on the internet. People are now having bets on the most bizarre and surreal situations as well as having a flutter on sport betting, political betting and TV show betting especially song contests. Through the years there has been some outlandish bets made that are the stuff of legend.... A Fitting Name - I've always had an interest, albeit a casual one, in aptronyms; people whose name matches their occupation. I first got the bug as a kid when I met my Dad's friend from the pub, Mr Bung. He used to work in a factory that produced, among other things, sink plugs.... My Eighteen Month Old Little Girl Scares Me - I have two sixteen year old boys. I have one 6 year old son. I have two girls under the age of 18 months. I have learned how to handle the boys. I have a great deal of experience with boys.... CHAPTER 7 - Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty on the Short List For VP - It just had to happen - you knew it especially if you've read Chapters 1 thru 6 on this site. No matter what you may have thought before, Ms Kitty was destined to make the short list for Vice President in someone's mind. It was inevitable.... Stinky Monroe - Harry couldn't have been more than five when he and his father, Walter, visited Pug's Country Store on a brisk Friday morning in April, 1926. His daddy usually made the ten-mile trip alone by buckboard every other week to fetch supplies and, occasionally, get something special for the boys and their mother and some tobacco for granddad. But today he wanted to introduce his oldest son to the city of Clanton, Alabama, and show him the beauty of what the changing of the season had brought to the countryside.... Next Patient Please - At 9:02 AM I walked through the office door of the orthopedic surgeon for my scheduled 9:30AM appointment. Arriving early only ensured that the inevitable paperwork would be filled out, copies of my insurance card made and I could then wait an extra twenty minutes past my scheduled time. As we are all aware, doctors are ... Showing Boxers Can Impede Criminals Eluding Police - I, like most respectable rational people just do not get it. The "it" I am referring to is the fashion trend that leads certain people to allow their jeans and/or shorts to fall half way down their rear end.... Signs That it is Time to Clean Your Fridge - I am by no means a neat person. This list is from my own vast personal experience with the messes. You may have your own. However, if you are organizationally challenged, you WILL relate to this humorous top ten type list!... When Cows Kill - I could write words describing the moohem and destruction of this beast, and do no justice. Even the late great author of "Being There" and "Painted Bird", Jersey Cowzinsky or pop diva Bovinna, who sang and performed Mooterial Girl so beautifully, could feel my emotions regarding violence in the bovine cowmunnity. I don't even think The Boss, Bruce Holstein could (even though he was "BORN IN THE USDA") ... The Greatest Indian Nuclear War - Deal or no Deal, somebody is damn sure to have the last laugh. Who would it be?... Life Can Be Funny - And Should! - Do we really need humor? How important is laughter in our lives? For many years, we knew humor was fun, and laughter made us feel better, but we didn't know the full story. Recent studies at University Of Md. Medical School point towards laughter being not just important, but pertinent to our health, job, relationships.... Employment Handbook - Humor - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.... I Think That Stupid People Are Stupid - The other day, I was with a friend and we were having a meal at a fine restaurant and the service was less than what we had expected. And then she said the funniest thing; she said, I really think that stupid people are stupid. She was referring to the waiter, who certainly was lacking in many regards. So, I laughed and said ... Staying on the Funny Side - Of Sparky the Cat - The vet said Sparky died of natural causes. Aunt Fern said it was probably something he ate.... Avoid the Funny Bomb - Are you naturally funny? Do you leave your audience rolling on the floor? Or have you every made a "Funny Bomb?" I titled this article "Avoid the Funny Bomb" because I want you to learn from the priceless lessons that I have learned. And yes, even if you are naturally funny, you need to read this article. I am committed to creating a "Funny Bomb Free Society" one person at a time.... Praying For Deflation - While Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, is worried about Inflation Expectations, I am just as intrigued by Deflation Invocations. Recently a prominent TV news channel featured a church group that congregated near a gas station and prayed for cheaper gas. My first reaction was amusement but then I realized that this represented a historic first.... Hooked on Junk - Yard sales, garage sales, flea markets; they're as addictive as drugs, alcohol and watching some guy get hit in the crotch on "America's Funniest Home Videos." Read how one man's weekend obsession became a nightmare.... The Dairy Queen Conspiracy - Some people sit around wondering how things get done, while others engineer a plan. It has been said that necessity is the mother of invention, but there is another mom that is equally powerful boredom.... Signs That it is Time to Clean Your Fridge - I am by no means a neat person. This list is from my own vast personal experience with the messes. You may have your own. However, if you are organizationally challenged, you WILL relate to this humorous top ten type list!... Toothless Wonder - Well okay. After having kept my two front teeth intact for decades, I discovered an amazing secret. One wrong bite hitting a hidden menace (a piece of bone) can make you feel young again - yep! About eight years old and awaiting the tooth fairy.... My Life is Harder Because of My Dedicated Server Provider - I am suffering from a lack of excitement and adrenaline rush in my life, so I'm going to take up rock climbing, racing cars and boxing! I am so relaxed, I should be in a monastery. I hope that you can help my situation before it becomes more desperate. I have to catch a plane now, so please excuse me. I'm looking to regain some excitement in my life, so I am going to go skydiving.... Copyright © 2008, Pinellas County Real Estate. All Rights Reserved. |